The one with the appropriate break up
J - its nt U, its me :(
Q I want to break up with my partner, but I'm dreading a scene. I'm not going to change my mind, so there's no point talking. Could I tell them it's over by email or text message?
A Whether or not a form of communication is considered polite or appropriate evolves over time. "Dear John" letters have been written for centuries. It might have been considered preferable to dump someone face to face, but few people would think a letter was totally rude, unlike a telegram. Technology is constantly changing. In the 1980s, when Phil Collins split up with his wife by fax, everyone was aghast. Now, I suppose an email would be seen as less inoffensive than a text message.
Although very popular, I think texting is seen as being appropriate for short, practical messages (buy milk/CU @ 5), or for casual communication. In a romantic relationship, no one minds some text flirting (miss U/yr sexy). But, when it comes to more important communication, most people would prefer to be spoken to face to face, or at least over the phone. Very few people would text a proposal of marriage, or tell their partner they're pregnant. Breaking up with someone by text is about as sensitive as texting condolences. It is cruel, cowardly and disrespectful.
No one enjoys having painful conversations. Being able to face your responsibilities and to deal with consequences is part of growing up. The problem is that, by avoiding short-term pain, you never learn how to negotiate, communicate or be assertive. When you get into a long-term relationship, you suffer because you haven't learned those vital skills. Maintaining a relationship involves going through this process repeatedly.
If you fear an emotional scene, it might be possible to prepare the ground by writing a letter. You can express your concerns, set out facts and make suggestions. The person has a chance to react, calm down and think about it. However, the letter must be followed up with a face-to-face conversation. The other partner has a right to ask questions and do what's necessary to get closure.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes. How would you feel if someone did this to you? In the long run you will have a clear conscience knowing you've done the honourable thing. Be brave.
*Written by: Maureen Matthews
